| [audio] Cheney Adds Rare '64 Kuwait To Oil Cellar |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:54 -0400) |
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| Earliest American Scat Found |
| The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:30 -0400) |
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| Local Bar Comes Out As Gay |
| SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said. |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:16 -0400) |
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| New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts |
| NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400) |
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| Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four |
| NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:34 -0400) |
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| Peanut Allergies May Be Cured |
| According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think? |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:29 -0400) |
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| Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda |
| WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:17 -0400) |
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| [audio] Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:14 -0400) |
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| I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online |
| Listen up, bitch-ass fools. When it comes to booking airline tickets on the Internet, King Kong ain't got shit on me. I'm the baddest motherfucker... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:58 -0400) |
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| This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty |
| Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too. I... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:55 -0400) |
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| [audio] Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision |
| Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:51 -0400) |
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| Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth |
| HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400) |
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| Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged |
| An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think? |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:26 -0400) |
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| Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States |
| WASHINGTON—In what many believed to be a related incident, a blueprint of New York's proposed Freedom Tower was reported missing the day after the Pope's visit. |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:10 -0400) |
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| Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports |
| MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming... |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:28 -0400) |
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| 30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle' |
| CHICAGO—The last known communication from Kevin Corcoran made reference to plans to marry a large blonde woman and enroll in a local technical college. |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Mon, 05 May 2008 01:00:05 -0400) |
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| New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety |
| WASHINGTON—The program is designed as "an easy-to-understand informational tool that will hopefully get future geniuses to pay the fuck attention," reports say. |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Sat, 03 May 2008 01:00:13 -0400) |
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| Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza |
| NEW YORK—Besides suppressing office acrimony, the pizza appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and slightly fatigued. |
| Read More...(Source: The Onion - Fri, 02 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400) |
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